One flew over the cuckoo’s nest

That’s how I feel today. Totally, and utterly, out of my mind. our son is exhausted. we are exhausted. And my already lacking patience is depleting rapidly.

Motherhood has allowed me to see aspects of my personality that I never knew were part of my build. Some of them good, other’s quite dark. I have found myself screaming from the top of my lungs, in the m idle of our driveway because I cannot take the lack of control. Where is my life? How can i ever get anything done when everything revolves around the desires of my child?

I just got back from fighting him over getting into the car seat to make a doctor’s appointment. I find myself doing that a lot lately. This time, he won. I brought him back inside the house, called the doctor, and changed our appointment. They are used to me doing that at that office. They understand that i am unable to have any inflexible commitments. They seem to get it better than I do.

The worst part of these dynamics is my tremendous sense of guilt after I lose it on my baby and I yell that he must stop. This is a constant struggle for me. The thought of hurting his feelings, and/or (god forbid, hurting his body) torments me at all times and brings tears of sadness to my eyes. How do other people do it? I must find a way to keep my sanity or quit this job.

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